RECENTLY, I'VE experienced a very interesting comparison – you could call it the tale of two shopping experiences – one modern and one unashamedly and gloriously retro.

  Regular readers will know that I’ve now begrudgingly embraced the burden that is servicing my modern car. So, I went to the local branch of a national chain of motor factors to get all the service items. They were quite helpful, but this was only down to sheer chance, because the manager was hovering in the background making sure that I got all the right bits and pieces. Otherwise the trainee would have inflicted me with the incorrect oil and plugs.

  The problems really started to arise when I came to tackle the spark plugs and discovered that the Zetec-E takes a 10mm plug. Bugger. Yes, I know this isn’t news to most of you, but I’m only used to tackling OHV lumps made of real man’s metal – iron. So I downed tools and hit the road.

  I thought that the local small tool specialist would be helpful and all too eager for my recession business, but no. I was in there for a good five minutes wondering around like a lost soul clutching an NGK plug. Eventually, unassisted, I chanced upon a 10mm plug socket, but the thing was far to shallow. So I asked for some help...

  “But that’s a 10 mil socket, mate...” Yes but it’s too shallow. “Well it should fit a 10 mil plug.” Yes, but it’s too shallow. “Are you sure that’s a 10 mil plug?” Deciding that this was starting to feel like The Two Ronnies ‘fork handles’ sketch, I resorted to actions and illustrated the problem by attempting to insert the NGK plug into the socket. I then used simpler language: see, won’t fit, too big, Kemo Sabe. “Ah, can’t help you then mate,” came the overly familiar reply from one of shit Britain’s finest mongs.

  I really wanted to buy something from a small business, because this is a period when they really need our custom, but I had more or less decided that I would have to scoot home and fire up the three W’s. On the way though, I remembered seeing a motor factor I hadn’t been to before on Bristol’s Gloucester Road and I thought I may as well have a punt – I didn’t hold much hope because I’d been to another indie years ago and was served by what my British wildlife handbook would describe as ‘a highly spotted, mono-syllabic, grunting, knuckle-chafer’. 

  Luck was smiling on me and I managed to park right outside of the place called Millard’s. As I approached it, though the pessimism evapourated and I felt like Indiana Jones finally entering the lair of the holy grail, because Millard’s is as old skool as its sign suggests.

  Behind the counter were two blokes in stockman jackets, one of whom called me ‘sir’ – and yes, I nearly did turn around to see who he was addressing. I presented my NGK plug and explained how ill-equipped I was for the metric fuel-injected era. “No problem, sir. What drive is your socket set?” Er, I was so shocked, I just fished out the short extension from my pocket and mimed. “Right, three-eighths...” Off he went and back he came with a Draper Expert 10mm socket complete with magnetic holder. He insisted I tried it out first and I then asked for a longer three-eighths socket extension. “Is that all, sir?” I bit my lip in anticipation of a nasty bill, but it didn’t come. The price? Just four knicker. I practically skipped back to my car.

  So now I will always used Millard’s because it’s like an oasis of knowledgeable professionalism in a sea of third-rate crap. As I’m writing this, I thought I’d test them by asking for a full set of bulbs for a Hillman Hunter – no part numbers or old specimens, just me and a vague request.

 

  This time I was greeted with a cheery “hullo” and I set out my request. So do you have any, then? “Yes, it will only require a basic two-filament...” It was at this point that the voice in my head start whooping and hollering in excitement, so I zoned out for a minute. These chaps really do know their stuff!

  Small talk then ensued: “So how long have you had the car, is it a recent acquisition?” Well, actually it’s one of the Singer versions, said yours sincerely as he disappeared to get six bulbs. “So it is a Vogue or a Gazelle?”

  You know what, you could have knocked me down with a moist moth-eaten feather. Most people these days haven’t even heard of Hillman or Rootes, let alone name two low-volume Singer derivatives which were only produced for a short production run 40 years ago.

  So the price of this exchange was just £3.20 and it really is dawning on me how cheap the Gazelle is going to be to run – but I don’t want it to be too cheap, because the Millard’s experience is proving highly addictive. Need a new solenoid for a Gazelle? Too easy and I’ve already been given a quick run down of Landcrab parts that they stock.

  If you’re local then you really should stop by, have a look and support this firm, because if you don’t then they won’t survive and we’ll all be forced to frequent soul-less shopping ‘outlets’ staffed by people who think that an old car is a Citroën Saxo.